Who Holds Me?

Today was one of those days when I just wished I had someone to return home to, after work.  Ever have one of those days? Well, for those of us who go home to an empty house just about every day, the feeling of emptiness can become overwhelming.  Not all of the time; just on those days when everything seems to have just gone against you.....that is the kind of day I had today.....

So, who is there to hold me; telling me I am loved, appreciated, cared for and that I will be alright at the end of the evening?  Nobody in the physical realm.  But there is One who will always be anywhere I am, to hold me. Yes, it is the Lord.  SO, how in the world does this want to come home to someone have to be so overwhelming, at times?  Can't God be enough? 

Yes, God can be enough......I just need to remember that I need to run into his arms that are so willing to receive me, my aching and longing heart and bring me the comfort and peace I so desperately long for....still, that want for the physical/flesh touch is there......and so, I crawl up into my Daddy's arms and whisper, "Please, hold me."  And if I listen closely, I hear, "I am my dear one, and I love you, I care about you, and with Me you will be alright at the end of the evening.  I am always going to be here for you." 

To that I say, "I love you, too, Abba. Thank you!"

Sometimes we go through changes in life that are expected.  Sometimes we go through changes that are unexpected.  Two years ago the unexpected change occurred in my life.  It brought about much pain, anger, distrust, fear, and many other thoughts, feelings and emotions.  It has been a truly difficult battle, at times.  However, there have been those moments when I thought, "Really, I am so glad that this happened......where would I be if it had not?"  Crazy thought or not, it is real.

As the journey began, there were people to turn to.....and now two years down the long road traveled, some have fallen to the wayside, some occasionally will ask how I am doing, others did not take the journey with me very far at all.  Sad, but true.  I am guessing that at the two year mark it is assumed that all is well, all has been taken care of, and there is no need to listen, to care, to understand the little things that come and go, on this journey.  Sad, but true.

How am I doing?  Depends on the day and the circumstances that I find myself in.  For instance, a few weeks ago, another change took place.  God's grace prepared me for it, as He revealed was going to come about, even before it had.  This grace afforded me to not be surprised, not be in complete distress. Even in the midst of the winds that blew, I asked God to prepare my heart for the final gust that would bring in the resulting decision to be made.  He did.

So, how am I doing?  Although I knew what was going to be, and sought God's heart in the matter; it still hurts.  Doing what was best for them, and not being selfish for what I wanted, allowing God to be in control.  Yes, that is what I think I did.  It still hurts, even though the pain is not shown on the outward much.  I can feel it; remembering the words of a friend, "allow yourself to hurt".  Even as I type these words, I feel the hurt welling up inside of me.  It usually does when all I hear in my home is the dog breathing and the tick tock of the clock.....and then a tear or two trickles from the eyes....

So, how are you?  When I ask, I really want to know......I will listen, I will cry with you, I will remain in prayer for you, and I will walk with you.....I know what it feels like to want so much to be heard, to just pour out what is building up on the inside and realizing that the one's once counted on to be there are no longer available.....I want to be available for you....if you will let me in......

God said that I am able to comfort others with the comfort I have been given....God has been my comforter, my comfort along this journey, and I trust will continue to be so as I continue towards a full healing of heart and mind.....and I pray the same for you who are facing difficulties, as well.

What is the meaning of "content"?  Satisfied, happy, okay?  Really, when asked "Are you content with how things are?"  My heart raced, my thoughts raced, and I was surprised by such an honest; heartfelt question.  I don't think anyone has ever asked me that question before.

Now I have to ponder this further, as I look at my life.  I don't want things to stay as they are, but what about being content in what is?  So, then, this is my thought.....I am not content where I am in my relationship with God. This is something that needs to be strengthened, grown, and continually worked on.  I am not content with what is, but I "should" be.  SO, maybe this is where surrender comes in and a prayer for God to teach me, equip me or just make me content?  BIG SIGH.......

I guess I have much more to consider with this question of "Are you content...?"  I have some soul searching to do, seeking after God to reveal my inner most being of where He wants me to be; where He wants me to stay?  I will ponder, and shall get back to this thought after God reveals what He is trying to get through my thick skull......until then, be blessed....

Acceptance of Reality

It has been almost two years since life changed for me.  They say it takes 2-5 years for acceptance to take place.  The statistics are true, even if one does not want to admit to being a statistic.  However, in this case, acceptance of my reality has brought peace and freedom.

Acceptance of reality is like a new chapter of life beginning.  It is a point where God brings one to an understanding and purhaps opportunity.  It is a time of letting go and moving on.  Yes, a time for a new chapter in life to begin. 

The author of this new chapter?  God, of course. 

In You

You are my God, I will trust You
Uncertainties fill my mind
Take them, dissolve them
Cause me to have hope
Hope only in You

You are my God, I will trust You
Going about my days
I face trials before me
Cause me to have peace
Peace only in You

My Boys

It is a joy to watch the boys play

They run and laugh through out the day

There are some times when they fight

I would have to say, with all their might

Still they are my precious boys

They fill my life with such joy

Wisdom and Knowledge

"For in much wisdom is much grief, and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow" Ecclesiastes 1:18

Wisdom and knowledge can be gained

But what price does man pay

He learns so much in his life

Does it really cause such grief and pain

Wisdom and knowledge may increase

But what price does man pay

He learns to the highest level

With his mind ever be content

Wisdom and knowledge

What does it do for man

How will he know when enough is enough

What kind of grief and pain is endured

What is learned can be useful and discoveries can be positive. However, it must be understood that there will be disappointing discoveries in some wisdom and knowledge gained. I think it may be safe to say that it is the wisdom and knowledge of this world that has the potential to bring grief and pain. Therefore, in the pursuit of wisdom and knowledge, look to God and glean from His wisdom and gain in a knowledge that will result in Joy.

Wisdom and Knowledge

Grief and pain

It's of the world

And more we want to gain

Wisdom and Knowledge

It fills our minds

As it comes with much work

And then using what one finds

Wisdom and Knowledge

They can fade and die

And what ought to be done

With that which may be a lie

Wisdom and Knowledge

Happiness and "glee"

For from the Lord is can come

An this can set us free

Wisdom and Knowledge

From where will it be obtained

The world or God

Choosing to think freely or to be pained

05/29/09